StorieS (5/22/2019 Onwards)

Stories will now be posted one at a time in this section to give equal space to each story, thank you to everyone who has shared.

Story Two: “We were put on display in front of our home church and made to confess embarrassing details of our sexual experiences (in our current and previous relationships). We were voted on like we were participants in the worst kind of reality TV show ever, the church members deciding whether or not we were sincere in our repentance. “

My experience in Xenos is similar to many others’ in the college group. I attended from 2001-2005.

After becoming increasing active in my home church, I decided to move into a ministry house after receiving some pressure from leadership. Even though it meant that I could only attend school part-time (ODU had a weird policy about off-campus housing), my discipler (who was pretty much making all of my decisions for me at this point) convinced me it was the "right" thing to do. This was on top of my Xenos principles classes, CT, home church and cell group. I was devoting pretty much all of my free time to Xenos, effectively forgoing any non-church relationships and activities. I was put in charge of finances for the house and [ House Leader ] (the house leader) was put on the account as well. As an account holder, I started to notice strange things happening with the statements -- a large purchase at the CSCC bookstore, movie tickets at AMC theatre, etc. When I brought this up with [ House Leader ] (the only other person who had access to the account) she seemed surprised and said only that she was planning to pay it back. Then I noticed that some of my personal items were also missing. A pair of socks, a scarf, little things like that. She denied taking them. Her father, also a leader in the church, was arrested around this time for soliciting prostitution from a man in a public park.

Also around this time, I started dating [ . . ], against the will of the home church leadership. They would question me about our relationship constantly, giving stern advice and direction. I remember my discipler would drive around looking for my car and calling my cell phone to check in on me. Eventually, [ . . ] and I fell into "sin." Because we were both living in ministry houses, and because of [ . . ]'s "history," we decided to keep it a secret. After all, we knew we could get excommunicated. I had no family in town, and had alienated my non-Xenos friends long ago. I decided to move out. [ House Leader ] threatened to take me to court.

Eventually, plagued with guilt, we admitted our "sins." We were put on display in front of our home church and made to confess embarrassing details of our sexual experiences (in our current and previous relationships). We were voted on like we were participants in the worst kind of reality TV show ever, the church members deciding whether or not we were sincere in our repentance. [ . . . ] was excommunicated. I was not, but chose to leave anyway. After spending a few weeks in more or less isolation, I decided to come back to the church and was given a number of assignments to prove my sincerity (even though I hadn’t been excommunicated). One of the leaders invited me to a church dinner. I attended. While I was at the dinner, the leaders were on a retreat and found out that I was at the dinner. They asked to speak with me and told me that I had been wrongly invited and shouldn't be there. And I could stay if I wanted now that I was already there. It was humiliating. But more than that, it was the last straw. I threw out my half-eaten meal and left immediately. And that was it. A while later, I heard one of my housemates had been pregnant while living there.

I did not feel loved, appreciated or accepted. I had given my all for years to a faith and to a group of people who were willing to cast me and the people I loved out of their lives. I know no church is perfect, but the blatant hypocrisy and unloving actions at Xenos made it clear to me that I wanted no part of what it had to offer.

Story Three: “Xenos is nothing but poison. They will shame you for having raw human emotions and yet behind your back they have the same feelings about something going on in their lives. They act like they are saints and can do no wrong, and try to deny their actions even after admitting them to you. They take pride in their wrong-doings and shame people who are not like them. Pure, pure snakes. They are about equal to those you see screaming "FEAR GOD!" on the corners of the streets. “

I attended Xenos for about 2 and a half years. Everything that I've read so far on this website is spot on. The false friendship, the shame, the pressure, the gossip. 

I was invited by someone I met in Art History my second year of college. She invited me to go to the art museum downtown, and I happily accepted because I was having a hard time making friends on campus. We talked and had a great time, and she brought up Home Church. She said it was a small gathering of people that hang out and go over Bible verses. It sounded interesting so I went with her the following week. I'm not religious, but it seemed like something new that I hadn't done before. Vinyl, is the name of the group. The greeting was warm and welcoming and I met so many people that I had great conversations with, was exchanging numbers with and planning hangouts. After a few months I had really started to feel like I was making friends. 

About a year into me attending, I had broken up with my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend. It was hard, and I felt lonely and in pain. There wasn't much support; only the usual "Have you tried talking to God?" Which, I understand that that may work for some people, but it didn't work for me. I wanted to talk to someone face to face, in person, that I could poor my heart out to. But no one was willing to listen. I was only met with Bible verses and cold shoulders. 

I had spent the next 6-8 months going on a couple dates and becoming too attached to the few guys I dated. Being in an abusive relationship does that to you. You long for true love and compassion and someone that doesn't use your mental illness against you. I spent some time crying over the failed relationships and tried talking to my "friends" about it. But again, no one would listen. I was met by my "friend" with a harsh comment, and she didn't even look me in the eye when she said it: "Do you really think you can be happy work someone who's not a Christian?" The amount of insensitivity in her voice was crushing. I went home right after. 

Fast forward the next few months towards the end of the year, around mid September. I met someone. Someone that I am going to be celebrating 3 years together with this year. A great, loving guy that helps me with my anxiety attacks and ASD. Someone who actively is looking for ways for me to be comfortable. I was excited to tell my "friends" and they appeared to be happy for me, but the falseness in their tones was deafening. Never the less, I pushed it to the back of my mind. A year goes by and my boyfriend and I plan to move in together. And this is when my "friends" repeatedly pulled me outside the ministry house to tell me that I am a sinner for doing this and "there can't be a bad seed in the church, because it dismantles everyone." (Or something like that). They immediately assumed that because we were moving in together before marriage that we were having sex. I never told them anything about our private life but they came to assumptions. GASP! Moving in together? Before marriage? Because we want to see what living with each other is like before we even think about getting married? And I was dating someone who wasn't part of the church? THE SIN! 

The dating part is 100% accurate. They don't date outside of the church, they don't marry outside of the church, and they aren't friends with anyone outside the church. I remember when my "friend's" sister was getting married. I went to her bridal party and they played a game where she had to answer a question about her soon-to-be husband before she could open a present. Questions like his favorite color, hobby, movie, place to visit, etc. The only thing she could say was, in a slightly irritated tone, "I don't know!" I left and went to hang out with my family after that. It was so cringe-worthy. You're going to marry someone that you don't know anything about, but it's ok because he's "part of the church"? I can name my boyfriend's favorite EVERYTHING, because those small details are what make a relationship so beautiful. They were shaming me for my relationship, but their own was failing right before their eyes. 

I remember learning that my "friend" was talking about me behind my back, saying that I was a sinner and that "I wasn't my own person without a guy with me". It hurt me deep, because I had told her so many things that I never told anyone. My abusive relationship, the lying and the mistreatment of other guys before I met my boyfriend. I trusted her. She didn't understand and refused to try. 

It wasn't even just me she was talking about. Two other girls who I can proudly say have left the church with me, who were there longer than me, who have become my best friends, were also victims of this horrible two-faced snake. One of them is from Ghana, and my "friend" accused her of sleeping around when she was in her home country because she saw a picture of this girl with her boyfriend. The other has a lot of mental health issues like me, and they basically kicked her out of the house because they didn't want to deal with them. I confronted someone about it after learning what they did. I said, "What you guys did to *blank* and *blank* was absolutely disgusting and shameful." His response? An embarrassed chuckle, followed by, "Yeah, we can talk about it later..." And he never did. 

And when I confronted them about why they weren't being the friends I thought they were? One of them said, "If you think this is the place to make friends you're wrong." They straight up told me I wasn't in a place to make friends. The hangouts, the road trips, the shopping together; I was just part of their plan to keep growing their Church. I was just a number, nothing more. And when I asked about why they we're kicking one of their own, original members out and abandoning her? My "friend" said, "Because it's what God wants us to do, and honestly I don't even feel bad about it."

Xenos is nothing but poison. They will shame you for having raw human emotions and yet behind your back they have the same feelings about something going on in their lives. They act like they are saints and can do no wrong, and try to deny their actions even after admitting them to you. They take pride in their wrong-doings and shame people who are not like them. Pure, pure snakes. They are about equal to those you see screaming "FEAR GOD!" on the corners of the streets. 

Those two girls that had the same problems as me? We couldn't be closer. My boyfriend? We moved into our first house together last October. Leaving that group was the smartest decision I have ever made. If I could give anyone any advice as to whether or not they want to join a home church, I would say this: There's a great church called Cypress. They are pro-LGBTQ, pro-love, and start every session by telling people to turn to those around you and introduce yourselves to someone new. They sing amazing songs, and the atmosphere is truly warm and welcoming. The battle real life issues and are an amazing community of people. 

STAY AWAY FROM XENOS.

Story Four: “It just felt icky and I felt embarrassed about how excited I was to have these new friends, who turned out to have an ulterior motive”

I was out with classmates in 2017 at a bar when a couple people started chatting with me and were very friendly. I remember being really excited because of how open and cool they were. They asked to be friends on Facebook and then a week later invited me to a "birthday party" at one of the ministry houses. It was really weird. There was alcohol and snacks but in the middle there was a bible study that they hadn't told me about. It was all of the sudden like being at a multi-level marketing meeting that you thought was going to be a fun party. It just felt icky and I felt embarrassed about how excited I was to have these new friends, who turned out to have an ulterior motive.

Story Five: “I didn’t stick around long enough to get in deep, but I can certainly say that everything people say about this “church” is true.”

I lived at home in the spring of 2017 after dropping out of my freshman year of college, before I moved to off campus housing at OSU to start school up again. My high school was absolutely laden with xenos kids and I’ve known since I was very young that xenos was a cult, I had a family member who was active within the church throughout my childhood. Living at home during my off semester I was somewhat lonely and wanted to have more friends, so I was the perfect candidate for xenos members to attempt to recruit. I knew from the first day I hung out with 2 xenos girls that I had previously known, that they were deeply into the church and wanted to recruit me, but being in my position I decided to go along with it for a while to firsthand experience xenos and see if all the tactics and cultish ways were really true.

I didn’t stick around long enough to get in deep, but I can certainly say that everything people say about this “church” is true. From the absolutely overkill cigarette smoking to the love bombing to the very weird and generally uncomfortable bible studies followed by people you hardly know asking you afterwards what you thought of the “teachings”, I was uncomfortable very quickly. Within maybe a month I was invited to meetings very frequently and shown around a ministry house and told about how cool it was, only to be totally ghosted by these girls once I finally very nicely told one of them to stop inviting me to bible study as I am an atheist and would never ever attend. All around weird stuff, just wish that I hadn’t gone to a xenos Christmas shindig in 2016 while super trashed, that’s definitely written down on a xenos record somewhere

Story Six: “There was a video posted of the large group torturing gold fish in 2-liter bottles of soda and then actually eating the goldfish for shock value.“

I attended one home church event in high school with my friend who were all members. Immediately it felt uncomfortable and I was cornered being asked if I believe in god. I didn’t answer the question and a member told me that it’s sad that I will be going to hell. I never attended an event again.

I did stay friends with the girls at my school who remained in Xenos. They began to change, and performing extreme acts to get people’s attention. This meant wearing crazy outfits to school like morph suits, sumo suits, painting their bodies so people would always have a conversation with the individuals about something. One summer, the girls went to a summer camp with Xenos. There was a video posted of the large group torturing gold fish in 2-liter bottles of soda and then actually eating the goldfish for shock value. I believe the group utilized disgust, talking about harming animals and doing extreme acts to draw emotion out of people- making people feel like they were missing out on something by not being apart of the group.

Story Seven: “They don’t care about what you want or what you believe because they won’t respect it . . .”

“My best friend is still in Xenos and recently had a party with friends and also members of her home church(college), I was invited an a part of me was wanting to go so I decided to go but also bring my boyfriend who may I add is not a believer. I respectfully asked her to mention to her group to NOT mention or talking about god of any kind in any way possible. Not even 30 minutes being there people come up to us talking about god asking why we don’t come out to a meeting an why he doesn’t believe in god. An in that moment it just reminded me on why I left Xenos bc they don’t care about what you want or what you believe because they won’t respect it and the minute you tell them your not interested they interrogate you into making you feel bad for what you believe an that’s not a church. That’s not the way god intended for his word to be spread.”

Story Eight: “So they had 17 year old girls trying to convince my 8th grade self to break up with my boyfriend then they asked about him for months after we broke up. “

I started going to xenos in 8th grade because my friend invited me out and said it was really fun, i was the youngest kid besides him in the group because it was for highschoolers. I thought it was fun at first, but i refused to go to teachings at the church. I would only go to homechurch. My first time i went they all knew so much about me already because they had my friend tell them stuff about me, they were love-bombing me and saying how sorry they were for my dad and stuff, but i didn’t even know these people yet. After a couple months i was pushed to go to one central teaching and during that i felt so strange. Nobody was really paying attention, people were on their phones, and it was just overall weird. My boyfriend at the time didn’t come to xenos and my homechurch didn’t like that. So they had 17 year old girls trying to convince my 8th grade self to break up with my boyfriend then they asked about him for months after we broke up. After awhile i genuinely just got bored of the church because i thought the teachings were stupid and the people were strange and passive aggressive. After i left, they texted me on instagram for months asking if i wanted to come back. one of them found my old twitter and direct messaged me on there. They still snapchat me at least once every couple months and it’s been 3 years.

Story Nine: “The first bandage was to finally admit to myself that I was in a cult. That was really the hardest step.“

I was in Xenos from about 2005 to 2009.

I was introduced through a co-worker of my mother. I was still fairly new to the city, and mom encouraged me to go make some friends at this “church.”
After some coaxing, I finally went and fell victim to the “love bombing.” Despite growing up in Baptists churches, I never felt comfortable there. I was a free-thinker and didn't take everything so literally, and Fundamentalists tend to frown upon anything that isn't specifically and to the letter written in the KJV.

I now found myself in a place where even if people didn't agree with me, they would at least listen to what I had to say and counter-argue, not just dismiss my questions and ideas.
I started to be invited to central teachings, then cell groups, then I was asked to move in to the ministry house...

...and then my home church dissolved. It didn't split. It just went away. I found out a couple years later that my home church was so disorganized and corrupted that it was nicknamed "Corinth" by the Eldership.
It hit some of us hard, and I felt pretty lonely for a while. My biggest group of friends were now scattered. Some moved on to different groups, and were now so involved in them that they no longer had time to spend with me. Some became "of the world" and I could no longer speak to them.

Finally, a friend from my old group hit me up on facebook and asked what group I was in. I told him none, and he immediately invited me into his new group. And a couple more of us stragglers. We fit right in.

I became enamored with this new home church. They were even closer than the my old one, they were more supportive, they were into the same nerdy culture. They were also a lot more manipulative.

Let’s skip ahead a few years. I was very involved, despite the fact that I don't like commitments. I don't like commitments because I don't like to break them. So I never officially moved into the ministry house, but I did attend house meetings, I had a key, I did chores, I helped the others move in, I hung shelves, I patched drywall, I supplied food. I was also perpetually broke.
I had a really hard time keeping employment. Not any fault of my own, I got laid off just before Christmas, it was a recession, and all I could find were temporary positions and I did a lot of odd jobs for a couple years. During this time of hardship, the group split and I was helping some guys from the other side of the split move into their new house. There was a window-unit air conditioner on the top floor that they wanted moved, and I asked one of the guys to hold it while I opened the window. He grabbed hold, then let go right as I raised the window. It fell, hit the concrete, and ruptured. I went to the house leader and offered to help replace it, as I felt partially responsible. They wanted $150 for it. I rarely got that much in a week, and I still had a truck, gas, and insurance to pay just to make sure I could get to the next job that came up. After several months of trying really hard to come up with the cash, I finally went to the house leader and told him I just couldn't afford to replace it. He told me not to worry about it, that they would take care of it.

Life went on, but I noticed several women (wives of the leaders, mostly) in the group were getting more and more hostile. I began being singled out in games, I began receiving accusatory comments, and I noticed the girls I was closest to were being picked off one by one. Now that they were “of the world” I could never find out why. Not really because I respected the whole shunning culture, but because when I would reach out, I would usually be ignored.
Something that really hurt me was during my last beach trip. I was sitting in the living room while a few of the other guys were talking about one of the girls. A girl I considered my friend. They were complaining that she had come, and the house leader literally jumped to his feet, pointed out the window in the direction of the girl’s house and screamed; actually screamed! “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE EVEN DOING HERE?!” then began a several minute-long rant.

After we returned home, she was gone permanently. I sent her a message a few weeks ago saying I was thinking about her and I hoped she was doing okay. Nothing other than the ‘seen’ notification.

My closest friend and a woman I still call my sister was next to the gallows. Luckily we have still remained close. She had a breakdown and was immediately kicked out of the ministry house. I was called up and asked to meet with her house leader. She told me that because she knew that I and the now removed were so close, she wanted me to be the first to know what happened, and told me a bullshit damage-control story. I wasn’t supposed to talk to her again. I bought some of it, for a while. I wrote and mailed a letter begging her to forgive the girls in the house and to confess to the group so she could come back. She didn’t, she wouldn’t have been allowed back anyway. I still regret to this very day writing and sending that letter. The guys in my group kept telling me I needed to forget about her, that I needed to focus more on “my walk” and not about other people.

Her boyfriend called me and told me she had attempted suicide and checked herself into a hospital, and asked if I would come visit her. Of course I did. I would again.
Can you guess who was next to the chopping-block?

I still lived at home, but my parents were now separated. Nothing I was really worried about because I figured it was their business and not mine, but my dad didn't see it that way. He wouldn't leave me alone about it. And all the negative energy and attention he laid on my mom for the last 30 years, now got directed at me. Then, my batshit-crazy aunt decided she was going to move in without invitation so she could have her beloved brother all to herself. This incestuous bitch has tortured and abused me my entire life. She now had free reign on me. I was not in a good place. I needed support, and my Xenos family was supposed to be there for me, right?

I asked nearly everyone to spend some time with me that I really needed someone to talk to. Nobody had time for me. For weeks, I begged, all the while being beaten down at home, and nobody would give me a half-hour.
A couple times I had cornered someone and make them listen to my concerns. Mostly about how I was being ignored and hostilities I was getting from other members. I was told several times that either it was all my imagination and that everyone genuinely cared about me, and I had nothing to worry about. Or, that my feelings were plain bullshit. (side story; for two months I worked a job that I didn’t really want and knew I wouldn’t be good at, but was pressured into taking because I would be working alongside one of the guys in the house. After seven or eight weeks I wrote a letter to the president of the company explaining that the entire time I was there I was in a hostile work relationship with this guy, and I was tired of being belittled and abused. I told him that I had gone to the doctor for chest pains, and I could just no longer handle the stress, wished him and the company the best of luck, and immediately terminated my employment. This letter was brought up in a house meeting and my now former co-worker looked me in the face and said, “everything you said in that letter is bullshit!” I didn’t realize I had written an open letter and didn’t know how it was any of the church’s business. I also to this day can’t figure out how one person has the right to tell another that their experiences and feelings are ‘bullshit.’)

What they did have time for though, was for the leader of the guys’ house to pull me aside and tell me that I was bringing everyone’s mood down. Not only that, but he even had the balls to list everything they had done for me, and despite the fact that I mowed the lawn, did dishes, took out the trash, cooked dinners, and I didn’t even actually even live there, he told me I was a stagnant freeloader and I had to leave.

I left.

Three months later, I get a call from the guy that took his hands off the air conditioner. Since the old leader of that house got married, he became the leader and he wanted that $150 I owed HIM for the unit WE broke. I told him I had been forgiven of that debt, I wasn’t a member of his church, and I didn’t owe him shit. He told me I did owe, that he was right there when I said I would pay for it, and that he was going to come “take it out of my face.”
The elders got notified. They got notified by several people, and they were informed that I was filing a police report.

I got a call from the little shit the next day. He left me a frantic voicemail, not apologizing, but to tell me I wasn’t going to hear from him again and to please not go to the police because we couldn’t let the church have any negative publicity.

I regret not going to the police.

I finally landed a job as a two-way radio tech a few hours away, and worked there for many years. I haven’t hard from anyone from Xenos in all that time besides my one friend that I mentioned before. Out of the blue I get a FB message from the guy that kicked me out saying he heard I knew about radios and had questions about setting up a low-power FM station.
I don’t regret blocking him.

It has been ten years, and I still feel hurt and betrayed and abandoned. For the last decade I have been able to fill the void in my chest they opened, but I am finally starting to heal.

The first bandage was to finally admit to myself that I was in a cult. That was really the hardest step.

The reason it is so hard is that I didn’t want to come to terms with the idea that I fell into that trap. Nobody wants to admit that they were a victim, or that they were duped. Nobody wants to look back and think, “how did I fall for that.” But once you do, you will realize that you were a victim, and it isn’t your fault.

Xenos is an organization that has honed their spears and trained their scouts to find targets and exploit their weaknesses. I just happened to have my chink exposed.

If you are in Xenos and you are reading this, it is because of one of two reasons:
1) You are reading the propaganda that “Satan is using to attack us.”
2) You are seeing the signs, and are looking out of curiosity or seeking validation.

If you are of the former; I’m sorry that you feel that way, but it isn’t a personal attack against you. This is a story of me. I hope you someday realize fact that you feel so personally defensive about such a large organization shows how deeply affected you are by the brainwashing, and I hope you start questioning everything. If not, then I wish you the best, and pray deeply that you never experience the pain so many of the rest of us have.

If you are of the latter, then the good news is your mind is beginning to break the programming. You should never be told what to think, you should be taught HOW to think. Question everything! Question Xenos, question this story, question this website! If someone tells you the sun is shining, then go outside and look for yourself. Never take anyone’s word for anything!

Now the bad news; if indeed you are on your way out, you are going to have some tough times ahead. When you leave Xenos, you are severed from Xenos. They have spent a lot of energy making the congregation terrified of “the world” to try and keep you under control. When you break that, you will lose your friends, your support group, your family. Just remember that you still have friends and family. And those friends and family you may have abandoned so you could focus your life on Xenos; they are going to be a lot more understanding and receptive to taking you back than Xenoids will. There are also plenty of us ex-Xenoids out here in “the world” you can seek out for support. Most of us didn’t have anyone to fall back on when we left the church. Don’t believe you don’t either.

Story Ten: “God is bigger than Xenos. The mistake many of us made was putting Gary and Denis on a pedestal as I now see them retiring I hope they find their peace too bc they seem to struggle in their own examples in teachings.“

I learned alot about sacrificing my life for others. Even though my life was in turmoil emotionally I remember being told that if I just focus on others the flesh wont win the battle inside me. Good for others bc people felt loved but I was operating out of an empty vacuum trying to work my way into a place of security with God. I eventually broke down and left bc I was burnt out and looked at as not being “on board” with the main focus of leadership. I had a really hard time getting my batteries recharged with Gods peace and grace bc I was always shuffling to study for my next teaching or meeting. Xenos definitely helps a type “A” personality flourish bc there are many meetings and activities. The sad part is if u become a leader the expectations are overkill. I think the paid leadership would have benefited in humility if they returned to secular jobs bc asking all the requirements of volunteers looking back seemed naive to me to keep doing it all CRAZY!! I am amazed at how much work we did for Xenos in the name of the Lord. Now divorced and hesitant to get back into any organized church I blame myself for not saying NO more often to meetings and pressures to move up the ladder of leadership and discipleship. I recently watched “The Path” on hulu and cringed as I saw people worship man. Xenos teaches the bible but the under current definitely is bent towards “hows ur ministry”? Using Gary and Denis as examples to follow as volunteer lay people. Imitating them was contributing to losing myself.

Once I shook off the chains of “working the ministry” and just loving people in everyday life I have had more peace in my life than ever 30 years later which I believe is why people come to God. Xenos had a place but it never owned my heart through the 20 years as a leader taking stats on my disciples and groups of people. I knew I needed to simply love people and forget about how many meetings they made that week or who they are “working” with themselves.

God is bigger than Xenos. The mistake many of us made was putting Gary and Denis on a pedestal as I now see them retiring I hope they find their peace too bc they seem to struggle in their own examples in teachings. Maybe some down time will bring a deeper love experience of the Creator, I sure hope so.

Imo, Xenos needs to get rid of the inbred paid employees and have them go work secular jobs. It seems cultish by nature of so many people become employees and then throw expectations on volunteer leaders. This high pressure environment wouldnt happen imo if they were all in the same boat working outside the church in the world like 99% of members. The temptation with large churches with alot of money is to keep hiring employees bc more ministry sphere leaders need supervision . Instead of highering employees pay your home church leaders. Maybe then the revolving door will finally stop and Xenos will be that mega church they seem to keep all those stats in their computers churning each annual meeting.

Story Eleven: “I was in a very emotional and sexually abusive relationship and I needed to get out. It wasn’t until one day that my youth group leader (his older sister) told me that I need to be the one to lead him away from being physical since he struggles with sex. I felt very upset with her for putting it on me to fix him.”

I started going to home church when I turned 12. We were just starting a group in my city. I was always pushed by family members to be very Christian even when it was never my thing. I did enjoy the group for many years and never understood when someone called it a cult. I had times where I didn’t understand certain aspects. For instance we had a lesson, it wasn’t for the boys, but only the girls. We were taught about sex and how it’s horrible and we lose value as women. They taught us if we get caught having sex we deserve consequences such as being slut shamed or even pregnancy. I for a while hated who I was because I was just discovering my sexuality, but I moved on and still enjoyed the group. It wasn’t years on that I stopped going. To give background knowledge when I was 16 I started dating my youth group leaders brother who was 18. I didn’t know at the time but this was going to bring on a lot of pain. Everything was going fine in our relationship. We started getting physical more and more. I felt very pressured by him, he constantly told me that I should “serve him” which is a Bible term constantly used by Xenos. I felt very uncomfortable and confused. This guy has had sex many times before me and claimed to be this holy man who loved God. I started getting to the point where I didn’t want to be with him. He would make me feel worthless and tell me that when we did things it was my fault for letting him. I was in a very emotional and sexually abusive relationship and I needed to get out. It wasn’t until one day that my youth group leader (his older sister) told me that I need to be the one to lead him away from being physical since he struggles with sex. I felt very upset with her for putting it on me to fix him. The time came to when I just couldn’t take him anymore and broke up with him. I thought the pain was over for me. I was relieved. He then texted me multiple times telling me he was going to kill himself if I did. I was only 16. I never deserved this. I deal with my own depression and I felt very depressed to the point I went to my teacher and asked her for advice. She told me that whatever happens is not my fault. I was thankful to hear that at that time. Soon his sister contacted me and made me feel that his situation was entirely my fault. I was heartbroken that someone who I have looked up to for many years made me feel that way. I never came back to home church again. It has been two years and no one from there talked to me ever since and I’m glad. There’s so much more that went on but that was the only the minimum of events that have happened to me. I will forever speak my truth. No one deserves that pain, especially at a young age.

Story Twelve: “It’s a shame that they took someone’s pure interest in God and twisted it for their own benefit, but since then I’ve also learned that there’s going to be awful people in the world. I wasn’t able to talk to God or read the bible for awhile. I’m still trying to work on separating God from Xenos.“

Hey! So I’m a senior at OSU, and this past spring/summer Xenos almost took over my life. I was in a sociology class with only about 15 other people, so it was easy to get to know everybody. There was a certain girl, I will call her Mary for the sake of anonymity, who I ended up hitting it off with. We both grew up in the same area of Columbus and just had a lot in common, and she was really awesome to talk to. During this time that we met, I was going through a weird point where I had just lost a really good friend and someone I had been dating. She came up to me in the next class and got my contact info so we could hangout, and I was really happy to of randomly met someone that I connect with and could potentially become really good friends with. Fast forward a few weeks, she invites me to a St. Patty’s day party on Maynard. I was immediately greeted with beer and happy smiling people who spent all night laughing with me and getting to know me. The amount of attention I received that night and months to come, wasn’t something I picked up on right away. Maybe I’m naive, but I like to see the good in people and I just thought finally I have found good friends who want to hear what I have to say. I met Mary’s boyfriend that night, and she told me they met through church and it started this whole conversation over how ideal it would be to date someone from church because at least you know they’re a good person (so I thought). Later on in the night after I had been drinking all day, they told me about how they’re all apart of a church and even invited me to come to their next meeting that following Monday. I grew up semi-Catholic, and my mom is a full blown traditional Catholic, so I grew up around religion and God although didn’t practice it much once getting to college. Again, whether this was my naive brain or just giving the benefit of the doubt, I agreed to go. In my mind, I thought hey with everything going on in my life I’m sure going to a bible study will be really good for me. I went back to that same house Monday, where I was greeted with so much love and openness. It’s hard to tell if I would’ve been so receptive had my circumstances not been the way they were. I enjoyed the meeting, although right after it ended Mary asked me to go outside with her where she proceeded to ask what I thought about the teaching and began asking intrusive questions about my religion (which growing up I was always told was something you don’t ask about). Regardless, I answered her and we went inside to drink beer and play card games until midnight. This was March when it began and it went on until about late May/early June. Looking back, it was all right there the whole time. Mary would only text me on Mondays or Thursdays when they would have meetings, but besides that she didn’t really interact. I would invite her to parties, bars and she would always make an excuse to why she couldn’t go. Besides the one time I convinced her to go to a bar with me, and she shows up with one of the older leaders.

The spring semester had just ended when they invited me to a trip that they told me they do every year, and I was all in. By this time, I wasn’t putting two and two together, and frankly I was excited about this trip. During the week that I stayed with this group, I was bombarded about family, friends, religion and it seemed like by the end of it, they successfully pulled apart all my layers and all of my demons were exposed to people that I had only known for a few months. I felt like I was now stuck because they already had so much dirt on me. At this point, I was all in. I had grown really close to most of the girls in the home group and started meeting with leaders and even reading the bible which is something I hadn’t done in years, it felt good but by this time my intuition was kicking in. I took summer classes, so there’s very few people on campus during that time. There was one week I kept getting approached by people who asked if I wanted to join their church discussion, I told Mary about it and she was extremely passive aggressive and her attitude only changed when I assured her that I wasn’t interesting in joining other groups. I was spending hours and hours with these people, and it was on the verge of becoming my entire life. The next week, I found out one of the fellow members who lived in a ministry house was kicked out for “distancing himself”. I was utterly confused and was actually kind of upset. Why would you just kick someone out for being human? Would they discard me if I go into a depression and withdraw from them? They had influenced me enough into not smoking week anymore, and abstaining from having sex.

One night I had a friend over who wasn’t apart of Xenos, and I started telling them about this new group and how I think I’ve found solid people. She quickly grabbed her phone and showed me this website. All of the dots were connecting, and every red flag I ignored was hitting me right in the face. My intuition was true. They didn’t think I was this amazing hilarious person, they were love bombing me. They weren’t genuinely interested in my life and my struggles, they wanted to know my secrets so they could trap me. It’s a strange feeling to look back and know that the last few months of your life were essentially a lie. The worst part is, I thought I found a genuine friendship in Mary. I spent the rest of the day researching Xenos, and the more I found the more I wanted to vomit. The next day I sent her a link to this website and told her that I was hurt and confused. She told me that the person that created the website was mentally ill and unstable. Unfortunately for her, I had already watched a podcast of the website creator and they were a complete functioning individual, and even worse, everything they were saying was on point with my experience. Mary wanted me to meet with her and talk, but by then I knew what was up. I came to terms with what this really was, and spent hours blocking/unfriending every member I had on social media. Funny enough, I ran into a few of them at Kroger a week ago and immediately ran the other way. It’s a shame that they took someone’s pure interest in God and twisted it for their own benefit, but since then I’ve also learned that there’s going to be awful people in the world. I wasn’t able to talk to God or read the bible for awhile. I’m still trying to work on separating God from Xenos. That’s one of the worst part about what this cult does, they completely ruin someone’s reality and force them to second guess everything. Always trust your gut.

Story Thirteen: “It was insane to me how true it was so after reading through some more stuff I decided I could share my story.“

I am currently a senior in high school, I have been going to Xenos since I was a baby, and I am currently attending a college home church (sometimes). Both of my parents started going to Xenos before I was born, so for me it's hereditary. I had heard rumors about Xenos being a cult all throughout high school but all the leaders brushed it off as a joke so for a while I did too. But I recently saw a car with this website largely advertised on it at Ohio Thrift and I had been a bit upset with the church for a bit so I figured I would check it out. The first few paragraphs on the front page made my jaw drop. It was insane to me how true it was so after reading through some more stuff I decided I could share my story.

I joined a middle school cell group in 7th or 8th grade, but nothing eventful happened there. I then joined a high school group (it recently merged with another group due to lack of members, hence why I'm already in a college group). As always, it was really great at first, and it was for a while. Everyone was really nice to me, people would get excited when I showed up, they would talk to me about stuff I liked, and I made friends. I now know this was love bombing. As time went on I slowly became less interested and felt a bit more out of place. My closest friend stopped coming, but that's because she got out we're still really close, and I felt like the only people who actually liked me were the leaders. Of them, I always felt closest with my discipler (we'll call her A), she was really nice and we'd hang out once a week before home church or CT (I went to both every week). So it wasn't great, but it was still pretty good.

Then, around the summer of last year (2018) one of my other leaders (K) found out I was bisexual, but she was so nice and accepting about it and she encouraged me to tell A. I didn't really want to because I was scared and K understood. Then I started dating my girlfriend. K saw this as the perfect opportunity to tell A. So I did. To sum up how poorly it went, I wrote my college essay on the interaction. Basically what she said is that it's ok to have gay thoughts/feelings as long as you don't act on them. We ended up going back and forth on whether or not I was going to break up with her to appease god. After that I started going less and less until I only went to home church (no CT) once every few weeks. I couldn't stop because I'd feel bad and I'd have to tell my parents why. So I built my master plan on how to get out: go to a college far enough away that I wouldn't still have to go to Xenos. Unfortunately the cheapest school I'm applying to is also the closest, CCAD.

Currently things aren't too bad, the people in my college home church seem nice, but based on what I've read, I can't get too comfortable. The second I can get out, I'm gone. It's because of this church that I'm not sure if I believe in God anymore. But hey, if you're still stuck in Xenos, stay strong, you're better than them.

 Story Fourteen: “I started noticing things that were just off, like my sister's ex boyfriend who was against Christianity for so many years now suddenly in tears over a bible lesson. Or how my friend Jill was living in a three bedroom apartment with 8 people at one point. When they asked about my issues with depression or my ex or drug use they really kept pushing it hard to the point of me nearly crying. “

I nearly joined Xenos. I'm lucky to have backed out. I had a friend in high school who invited me to 'Word' a bible study. I wasn't keen on it but decided to go anyway. My mom was happy about it thinking I finally was finding God. When got there it was at some girl's parent's basement. I saw my sister's ex boyfriend there. I knew he was a Pagan like me. Or so I thought. As the night progressed I felt targeted by the lesson, talking about how there is only one true god. During a break these girls were asking about my heritage and religious views. They're expressions were off putting so I went to the bathroom to check my phone and my mom had blown it up telling me to come home right away. I got home and her and her now husband sat down with me which is something that never happens in our household. They both told me to stay away from the Bible study and my friend's church. Saying Xeno's was a cult, my mom's husband is a former deacon in the Baptist church. I didn't believe it. I should have. Years went on and I never heard from my friend, let's call her Jill. Then recently a former teacher of ours died of a heart attack. I was struck with grief and reached out to her to let her know. She immediately came over to my house and took me to CT. I saw everyone again since that the one night. I began regularly going to home church and CT just to see Jill. It was just away for me to escape through some stuff I was dealing with like my abusive ex. I started noticing things that were just off, like my sister's ex boyfriend who was against Christianity for so many years now suddenly in tears over a bible lesson. Or how my friend Jill was living in a three bedroom apartment with 8 people at one point. When they asked about my issues with depression or my ex or drug use they really kept pushing it hard to the point of me nearly crying. They claimed to be LGBT friendly but the few girls I met who were LGBT seem to be pushed into straight relationships by the home church leaders. I felt so pressured into joining by everyone so I lied and said that I got saved. I shouldn't have done that because the pressure continued to build. Jill wanted to 'disciple' me right away. Over the summer I learned and saw disturbing behavior from these people. The way how they act about certain topics and emotions. Another girl let's call her Anna was mad when I said didn't want to get married or have kids she then preached on to me about why I should want to be a wife and have kids and that it's what "God wants for me". That scared me she was so aggressive about it. Finally my dream college had accepted me and I was about to move cross country. When I broke the to news to everyone that I was moving...they're reaction when I look back now was discouraging and malicious. Anna went up to me one night after a CT meeting and said "Why are you leaving? We'll miss you, what about God's plan and path?" I didn't know what to say. Another girl in my home church tried to get me to apply to their college and stay in Ohio. Then one of my friends from high school had died after her 19th birthday that caused me to be away for awhile because of a funeral services. I got a card in the mail from Jill and all her roommates saying that they were praying for me through this hard time and that I would stay. I did end up moving. I'm so so f**king grateful I did. I saw drama broke out in the home church I was apart of. I left just in time before I was to be arranged to date a guy in the church. Leaving for college was the best decision I don't know what would have happened to me if I kept drinking the Kool Aid. PLEASE KNOW THERE ARE TWO CHAPTERS OF XENOS! There is the founding church in Columbus but there is a second one is Northeast Ohio around Kent Ohio. They go by Neo Xenos. There are a lot A LOT of members in the Kent Akron area. Parents please look out. Trust your gut. I'm lucky I escaped before I was completely brainwashed.

Story Fifteen “Since then they tried to recruit my step daughter at the age of 12 by inviting her to cell group under the charade that it was a fun girls and games club.“

“I first encountered xenos back around 2002. I was not added to their ranks, being that I am a confidently irreligious agnostic, but they were very creepy and weird. Since then they tried to recruit my step daughter at the age of 12 by inviting her to cell group under the charade that it was a fun girls and games club. I was wondering if anyone here had info on the criminal background of its founders that I heard rumors of way back, about the founders being "born again" after a stint in prison for marijuana cultivation on a huge scale on some farmland. Maybe just rumors, but xenos is a dangerous cult and always has been.”

 Story Sixteen: “I hope anyone reading this story that is still involved will look and realize that no, not all groups have problems like this (one of Xenos’ favorite lines when criticized). I hope you will see that there aren’t other church’s in town with 100’s of stories of abuse, manipulation, and control. “

I have wondered what to share about my Xenos experience. I was a long-time member and leader. I started attending while a college student at Ohio State when I was 18 and left a few years ago when I was over 40. I have lived in ministry houses, taken all the classes, was on the Servant Team for close to two decades, and led many home church’s in the both college and adult ministry. There is a lot I could say. So many stories I could share. It’s too much for one of these posts. I will boil down my thoughts to what I think the big issue in the church is and why it causes all of the fallout you see in these tragic stories.

The main issue with Xenos is that the goal of the church is growth. Not personal growth, but Xenos’ growth. It’s not love, it’s not grace, it’s numbers. The fastest way to grow is to incorporate people as quickly and deeply as possible and make recruiting the number one goal. In the college group this means a meeting every night of the week if you live in a ministry house and are taking Xenos classes. Your weekends are spent with church parties or evangelism nights. The goal is to get as many of your friends and family to join as possible. One common complaint against Xenos is that it separates people from their friends and family after they join. The church vehemently denies this. It’s true that they don’t “teach” this or pressure people to leave their family and friends directly. What they do is a little more sinister. They fill your schedule completely full of meetings. They track your attendance at these meetings, which is reported to the church leadership and stored in their database (they LOVE to collect statistics). If you miss more than a few meetings, the leaders will start to challenge you about why you are missing the meetings. The peer pressure from friends and leaders to attend EVERYTHING is immense.

The church leaders are trained to use scripture to justify everything they tell you. We were taught to challenge people with the Word so that it makes the issue between them and God not between them and you. The result is that everything becomes super spiritualized. It’s more than a little manipulative to use a 2000 year old scripture to bash someone for not being at every meeting that week. Members are faced with pressure from peers and now from God himself through these leaders. “Do not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing” was the usual line from Hebrews we would use, even for people missing just one meeting a week. You will be pressured to look at everyone in your life, every friend and family member as outreach. You will be told that they are doomed to hell unless they convert. You will be pressured not to spend time with people in your life who are resistant to joining. We called it “putting them on a long line”. You stop spending time with them so you have more time for people who are responding, but you will occasionally check in and see if you can convince them to come out to a meeting. You had to be strategic how you spent your time. Every person in your life becomes an evangelism project. The goal was to grow and not to love the people. The result is that you spend less and less time with people who aren’t committed to Xenos. The further in you get the more distant you will drift away from anyone and everyone you knew before.

This is not just a feature in the college ministry, the adult ministry is just as bad. The statistics I mentioned above would always show that groups the met more often grew faster, so the pressure was strong and steady to increase “touches” and meetings each week. One of our home church overseers (a person just below the rank of elder who would meet regularly with home church leaders to go over our stats) would always say to me that you make time for what is important to you, so if you miss a meeting, or are even late to a meeting, then it means you have an issue in your heart with God. You are valuing something more than Him. This attitude was so poisonous. Every Sunday morning we had prayer meeting before CT and would get our kids up early, fight to get them fed and clothed and get out the door to drive across town to a prayer meeting. We were often 15 minutes late to this hour long meeting after spending close to an hour and half working to get there. We were confronted many times about being late and told how much we were missing out and disappointing people. With that kind of standard you can never do enough to please them unless you attend EVERYTHING, and on time.

In Xenos it’s all about what you do. The vision document for the church (https://www.xenos.org/essays/vision-christian-servanthood) includes the words “work” and “workforce” 38 times. How many times is the word “love” mentioned? ZERO. How many times is the work “grace” mentioned? ZERO. People are categorized by how much they do. It’s all tracked, classes you take, who “disciples” you, who you “disciple”, your meeting attendance. Everything is tracked and recorded and shared with the elders. What you do impacts roles you can have in the church such as serving in different ministries, going on missions trips, etc. In college it can even impact who you date. People who are on the leadership track are pressured to only date other people who are also on the leadership track so as not to be “unequally yoked” (another super spiritualization). In the adult group as well, leaders are working behind the scenes playing match maker to singles and discouraging relationships if the people don’t line up spiritually (according to the leaders). You will be pressured to give money (also tracked and reported). We had a campaign every year to get people to give at least 5% of their before-tax income. For leaders at any level it was required to give that much at minimum, even in college with a minimum wage job.

For people involved in the church who are jumping through all the hoops it can feel great! If you are attending everything, bringing people through the doors, and taking classes, you will have people lavishing praise on you. You can end up with your own group of people who look up to you, want to be like you. For people into power it can irresistible. That’s one of the reasons there are some terrible leaders in Xenos. I’ve seen many narcissists and people filled with rage be so highly regarded because their groups grew quickly (an obvious sign God was using them according to Xenos). Really they were monsters.

As a member if you take one step back, just one, give anything less than 100% and things start to change. Start having real problems like depression, or marital problems. Decide to pursue a career that may have some demanding educational requirements or a job that may mean you miss a few meetings and you get labeled as “dangerous”, “slacking”, “worldly”. This paper on their website about careers was in wide circulation when I was in college (https://www.xenos.org/essays/propositions-christ-culture-and-career). This essay basically argues that dual income families are dangerous and should be avoided, wives should not have careers and stay home, leaving Columbus, Ohio for school or career is dangerous and to be avoided and that since God sovereignly placed you here, in Xenos, if you move away it is probably evidence you have rejected God or were never a Christian in the first place. It’s preposterous to me now, but that paper influenced me and so many of my friends. I saw many friends of mine throw away promising careers and opportunities in college who are struggling to make ends meet today because of it. The pressure of all the meetings in college and this kind of overbearing rhetoric discouraged many people from thinking about or working on their careers when they were young.

Once you step back a little bit or don’t perform well enough, people start to pull away. The person who was discipling you, who you poured your heart out to will suddenly stop spending time with you, they have to be strategic with their time you see. People may start spreading rumors about you. Prayer meetings were often used to pray for “struggling” brothers and sisters, when really all it was, was an airing of their dirty laundry to the group. People will pull back from you and accuse you of being the one pulling away. It’s how they gaslight you.

You can never leave. Leaving means failure. It means you chose the world, you listened to Satan, you couldn’t cut it as a disciple of Christ. The ones who stay feel even more like the truly committed believers, even more they are walking the narrow path that leads to salvation. Once you leave it’s as though you never existed. They wont call, or talk to you. Nothing.

So why did I leave you might be asking? For years I struggled with the shallowness of the relationships. The time demands and their impact on my family and health. Xenos was my life and it was killing me. I had a panic attack one day on campus and thought I was dying. It was from the stress of all the demands. When growth is the goal you either grow and split the home group or you don’t grow and they split you up because you aren’t growing. After some time you don’t know people and you wind up in groups of shallow people who talk about how much they love each other, but no one does. My wife was once rebuked by her co-leader for walking into a meeting with a bad look on her face. She had a terrible day and didn’t want to be there that night, but she went anyway because that’s what you are supposed to do. She was rebuked for allowing people to see she was hurting. My wife was a leader, I guess leaders aren’t allowed to hurt. Just show up and smile. More and more I disagreed with the decisions the church was making, how they were treating people. I had friends who wanted to adopt a special needs child and were heavily pressured by the home church leader (who was also a home church overseer, just below elder) not to adopt because it would take them away from meetings! It was unbelievable!

The last straw for me was when I was kicked out of my sons Jr. High group for not being committed enough. I gave 20 years to the church. Almost every weeknight, weekends, tens of thousands of dollars, led groups, taught the Bible for decades. My sin? I quit my adult men’s group. One of three weekly meetings I had in the church. Why did I quit that meeting? Work was busy, kids activities were busy, life was crazy, and this men’s group was a meeting no one who was involved in wanted to be at, but no one felt like they could quit. One day I had enough and quit. After a while, I was told by my leader (who I had considered a good friend) that since I was not fully involved I could no longer do Jr High group with my son. Since I was only “lukewarm” God would not speak through me anymore he said, and so I was asked to leave, i.e. kicked out. This Jr High group was something special my son and I did together. We had a lot of fun doing it. When I told my son I was kicked out and saw the tears in his eyes and heard how ridiculous the words sounded coming out of my mouth I finally woke up. It was like scales fell from my eyes and I could clearly see it all for what it was. After that day I never returned. Real friends don’t do that to each other. Normal organizations don’t treat people that way.

Leaving is incredibly hard, there is no question about it. But once you get out, and you give yourself some time away from them and start to process it you can really see it for what it is. The stories on this page are all real and they have helped me and so many people to escape and to cope and to know they aren’t crazy, what happened to them is real, and their feelings are valid. Xenos is controlling, manipulative, damaging. They want growth at all cost, and they don’t care who gets run over in the process. Something that really helped me when I left was to connect with some old friends who had also left. Hearing their similar stories really helped us to move on. Thanks for putting up this page and giving us all a place to speak and share. I hope anyone reading this story that is still involved will look and realize that no, not all groups have problems like this (one of Xenos’ favorite lines when criticized). I hope you will see that there aren’t other church’s in town with 100’s of stories of abuse, manipulation, and control. I hope the scales will fall from your eyes and that you too will have the courage to walk away, not from God, but from this toxic church.

Story Seventeen: “If you don't follow their rules, then they manipulate you into thinking that you're not following God and tell you that you're going to hell for it.“

It all started in the summer of 2017. I went to college in Virginia, but I was home in Columbus for the summer. I remember posting a status on Facebook saying "I'm so bored" and literally 10 minutes later this girl who I hadn't talked to since middle school (lets call her Jane) privately messaged me and asked me if I wanted to go out and visit her church group. I saw this as a great opportunity to make new friends so I went to their home church and everyone was so welcoming and seemed passionate about God. I went out many different times after that, but was really sad when I realized I had to go back to Virginia for school. That's when Jane brought up the idea that I should move back to Columbus and live in the ministry house and that I should transfer to OSU. I really considered it and my parents even thought it was harmless. So I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, moved back to Columbus, and decided to finish my schooling online. I also moved back because of health issues, but moving into the ministry house was probably the biggest reason.

I felt so close to Jane and the rest of the girls there that I told them about my deepest secrets. During the time I came back I liked Jane's guy friend (lets call him Liam). So Liam and I were having a sexual relationship which it eventually hurt me. I decided to tell Jane about it and ask her for some advice and she basically asked me "What do you think God's view of sex outside of marriage?" And I was like "Well, I mean I know he doesn't agree with it". And then she started explaining why I should've waited until marriage, but sadly it gets much worse. A couple days later after that next home church meeting, Jane and one of the female leaders (lets call her Rachel) said they needed to talk to me privately. So we went inside this empty room in the house and Rachel basically told me that I couldn't move into the ministry house because I wasn't following God. This angered me because I literally moved back to live in the house and follow God, but because I made that one mistake with Liam, they decided I wasn't good enough to live in the house.

They told me that if I wanted to move into the ministry house that I had to prove to them that I was following God such as reading my Bible everyday, coming out to more than home church and CT, taking their classes. I tried and Jane even discipled me, but I just got busy with school and I had to go to the hospital twice because of my health issues that it made it harder for me to follow their tactics all of the time. I kept begging to move in, but they kept saying I wasn't ready. A part of me wanted to leave, but I was too afraid of being by myself so I just dealt with it.

In May of 2018 things started to change once our group was splitting which apparently is a common thing at Xenos. We were combining a part of my previous group with this smaller group and it became its all new group. It was hard for me at first since I don't do well with change, but as time went on I started getting more used to it. It wasn't until the beach trip of 2019 where things turned more positively... or so I thought. I started talking to one of the guys in the group who lives in the ministry houses (lets call him Sam). Sam and I talked a lot and flirted at this beach trip and we even stayed outside in the hot tub till 1:00 a.m... that is until someone told us we had to go inside because it was late and we were the only ones out there. I felt so happy with Sam and I felt like I could trust him.

After the beach trip we started texting a lot and of I admitted that I really liked him and he said he really liked me too, but he said he wasn't in a place to date at the moment which I completely understood and respected his decision. I told the girls that I liked him and they said that I shouldn't put him before God which wasn't my intention at all. They kept accusing me of picking guys before God and that I didn't have a relationship with God which hurt. Throughout the month, I realized that Sam suddenly seemed nervous to get close to me. He even texted me saying that he was nervous that we had been texting a lot since we weren't dating. I thought it was kind of odd, but once again I respected his decision. Some times things got weird after that because he was really wanting me to move into the ministry house for some reason. I had given up on moving into the house and was already living in an apartment so I thought it was pointless now, but for a little bit he was trying to get me to change my mind.

Things got a bit awkward after a while where he refused hang out alone with me, he never walked me out to my car when I was leaving to go home... but he did with other girls, and he would say that he only flirted with me at the beach trip because he was drunk. It was really unsettling how he all of a sudden turned a completely different direction. I found it very suspicious and it was kind of unsettling. After a while he felt more comfortable with hanging out with me when it was just us and we did that a lot. I tried to move on from him and would tell him about dates with other guys, but he wasn't happy about hearing them. It really confused me until this nurse at my doctors appointment told me about how she used to go to Xenos and how they would make you date people that lived in the ministry houses and that it was frowned upon for someone to date another person outside of a ministry house.

Everything started making sense and it hurt so much to know that Xenos basically made me feel like I wasn't good enough again and that I needed to change myself to be close to God. I wouldn't be surprised if the people in the ministry houses told him that I wasn't following God and that he shouldn't date me. Eventually the guys tried to set him up with one of the girls in the houses which hurt a lot. And that's when I knew I had to leave for good.

I left the group and even cut off my friendship with Sam because it just got too difficult to only be friends. No one has reached out to me to see how I'm doing or if I want to hang out. I even texted Sam wishing him well, but he never responded. I feel so lonely and that I've lost everything. I also feel like I've failed God, but I know that's just the trauma the Xenos has caused me.

If you don't follow their rules, then they manipulate you into thinking that you're not following God and tell you that you're going to hell for it. It's toxic and it's just for them to have power over you.

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